Now I am almost 75% convinced that I have a split personality or that I'm bipolar. I swear... I can be really dark depressed and feeling really bad one minute, and the next I'm really hyper and happy and carefree. Part of me wants to go out, become a drug addict, fuck life, and just wing it and die early. The other part wants to be that perfect child that my parents would be proud of, to work hard, and get somewhere in life. My parents are like one of my friends parents, total control freaks. No makeup, no sleeveless, no revealing clothes, no boys, no sleepovers, no ANYTHING. Life is a drag.

I finally found out whats been bugging me this year. Friends. I've got a great life, I know it. I just won't admit it to myself. I've got it going for me. Then why am I always so depressed, so dark, so down, so unhappy, so... whatever I am. I'm super sweet to my friends, they all love me. I just can't find one that I can connect with and call my best friend. There is not a single one of the friends which I have which I can trust with all my secrets. Strange how I can spill out my secrets to people I barely know, and not want to tell it to my school friends. Its just my luck that the people I meet at family friend things seem to be a lot like me. Like at camping. She was like me. She has a psych though. But she cut, she was depressed, she hated her parents, she was a bad girl. She was me, except with a drinking problem and a psychiatrist. First things we said to each other was how we hated our lives and ourselves and how we wanted to commit suicide. After that it was so easy just to let go and talk about everything. From ice cream to cutting ourselves. It was great. School friends will never know that I cut. They never need to know. Although some found out, I hate it. I told two because I knew they would understand. I told one because I was really needing to talk about it, and he was a close friend. Didn't work out too great because he now electricutes himself. Another one found out because I flinched. She promptly told my other friend. Now they kinda treat me weird. And then another guy I told, because he told me that he liked me and I didn't really want to go out with him or get to know him and be his friend so I told him he didn't want to get to know me and that I cut and we became real close for a moment, and we haven't talked since. So I got a friend to tell him it was a load of bullshit. So thats who knows out of my school friends. Other people. I thought she was like, my sister, we haven't talked much lately. But she knows everything. At least everything up till the point when we just stopped talking because I cut too much. [BTW cutting as in taking a blade and cutting myself, not cutting class]. Then the girl I met at camping. Then someone I met online. And yeah, thats pretty much it I think. I've got quite a few friends, and a lot are pretty close, but I can't just, pour out my soul to anyone. I dont think I ever will be able to either. I really want to meet someone new this year. Someone who I can just. Be myself with and feel extremely comfortable. I don't think that I can be 100% myself with any of my existing friends. Okay, maybe 3 or 4. But with the rest, I'm just 80% myself. Which is a pretty good percent, but its not real. I just want some people to get to know me from my personality, and like me for that. A lot of people became my friend this year because I was friends with certain people, or because I listen to a certain band, or because they liked my looks. They all turned out to be great friends, but still. I want to meet someone for, you know, personality. But the lack of good friends is really getting to me. Thats why I have this online journal. I have another actually, but I can't write about everything I want there. Here I can, because no one knows me, so its all good. But please, I would like to get to talk/try to get to know some of you people on tabulas, comment if you're interested. Nothing special, just a comment on each other's journal entries and such...